Monday, March 27, 2006
Things have been fine. Though I�m still lost seeking for directions, my days are still alright. Haven�t been sleeping much lately, have such a shag face and fair skin. Didn�t head out for the whole bloody week. I look terrible.
Met up with buddy CG at Bishan today. Did a little shopping, and I caught Failure to Launch with him. Hey peeps, it�s a very nice movie, kept me laughing non stop. You guys should catch it too.
Had a little surprise today. Got a package. Inside I found a packet of heart candies, and it is my favorite flavor, melon. There�s also a keychain which I kept it in my drawer now, together with all my other precious letters and gifts. I�m using the previous keychain, and doubt I�ll change it until it is too worn out. There�s this cute little bear too! So cute till I don�t know how to describe it. It is a June bear, and it has the number 23 on it. Love it.
I�m so not used to this kind of sweetness. Never had anyone who will make such effort that comes from within the heart. I am touched. You seriously made my life a lot brighter than it seems.
Thanks Miss Tan.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Supposed to meet up Xx after her classes end at 10pm, but in the end I was late again. I�m starting to be late whenever I�m meeting her nowadays, lol. Anyway we strolled from City Hall to Parklane where she went to meet up some friends at E-Games. Soon we strolled to Cineleisure again for the movie.
I was pretty surprised the seats we got were on the 2nd row up front, didn�t strike me that so many people will watch that R(21) show. It was a pretty nice story, gave me a similar feeling from BrokeBack, just less touching with less action. The only thing you get to see throughout the show is the transexual�s �thing�. Oh ya, not forgetting a couple of yandao�s butt as well.
Wasn�t in the best of moods that night. I believe Xx wasn�t either, and she was so tired. The show ended around 1 plus, and we went home straight after. Felt so lousy.
Saturday was pretty boring as well.
Slept till late noon, went cousin�s place for Lord of the Ring, rotting my time away before I got home at 2am last night. I was the only walking soul in the whole bloody quiet neighbourhood lor? There�s this school I have to pass by, so eerie. Then right beside my place is this wide open field and a mini forest, with lotsa strays howling, so spooky too. It will be funny if I�m to see a beautiful lady in red or white at that time. But I don�t think I mind, lol.
Today is home alone day, as usual. Most prob I�ll head to cousin�s place for LOTR part 3 later. Been missing the gym for days, I should be heading back on Monday. As for jogging, my last was Thursday, and I�m feeling so damn lazy nowadays. My tummy can�t convince me, how?
Haven�t been chatting much with Miss Tan nowadays, and I hate that feeling.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I am fine. Been spending days trying to ease my mind, finding solutions to the problems I face. Solved a few, others still pending. I�ll see what I can do.
Life is full of tests and obstacles. Reality is pretty cruel. Things always happen. And it is how individual handles the situation that makes the difference. Many couldn�t take the torment and blame God, fate, or even destiny for their problems. They had never blamed themselves though, for it is often their own wrong doings that bring them their downfalls. They simply couldn�t realise things until it is all too late.
Humans are pitiful. They always contradict themselves. As a bystander, they can give the most wonderful advises ever. But as a victim, they often fall into the deepest of pits, drowning in their own sorrows and pain and misery, never to rise again. No matter what we bystanders can say, words are merely a form of encouragement and guidance. The actual route is chosen by the tormented souls themselves. Be it the road to happiness or destruction, it is their own decisions. No one can interfere.
Many think smiling through the hard times is merely faking happiness. But I�ll rather work on smiling than sulking through my life. Learn to isolate problems and tackle them rather than crying over spilled milk and still crying. To me, it will take more courage smiling than crying.
Find meaning in life.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Tossed and turned the whole night.. Couldn�t fall asleep until around 6am.. Woke up at 930am to meet Samuel for gym, but seriously wasn�t in the mood.. Felt like my soul had left my body.. Lifeless.. Aimless.. Meaningless..
Sorry pals.. Things aren�t smooth at all recently.. A lot of troubles brewing.. And I�m very stressed with a lot of stuff.. My one and only pillar of hope crashed yesterday.. And now it seems like there is nothing left for me to hold on anymore..
I promise I�ll update as soon as things get better..
Friday, March 10, 2006
We headed for Takashimaya 1st. Xx have a box of oracle cards with me and I exchanged a new set for her. Mom had a haircut too. Anyway, is it so weird for a 23 year old to accompany his Mom for shopping in town? I admit we are both casually dressed, but what is with the attention today? Especially the girls, staring as though I�m a freak. Irritating.
We went Bugis to pray afterwards. No crowd, no pushing. I prayed for many people today. No point praying for myself, because I used to do so and it doesn�t work. Anyway it will be nice seeing my love ones doing good. More than enough.
After praying Mom and I went to meet up with my small aunt and uncle for a little chit chatting. Soon all 4 of us went to another aunt and uncle�s place to gather. The aunties started their usual round of �4 colour cards�, while uncles and I watched tv and drank Champaign. Soon it was 12 midnight and here I am, just got back, blogging.
Miss Tan wore the necklace I got her today.
You know, you don�t care for someone hoping that she will care for you too. You do little things to make her happy, and her smile will be the best gift in return.
I had a surprise overseas call from a long lost friend. She really made my day.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Today is my cousin�s wedding.
Remember the cute little girl whom is always in my baby photos? Yup, she is the beautiful bride today. A year older than me, my beloved biao jie is finally walking down the aisle with her one and only hubby. May their marriage be blissful and happy!
I took a lot of photos with my cousins today, but only managed to take those few with my phone. So I�ll upload the rest once I got hold on them. Think I down more than 10 glasses of red wine today, so my head is a little heavy right now. Lotsa good food too, I�m getting fat.
Burning sharkfin. Just pour some wine and light it up. Our family style of eating.
Its such a wonderful feeling walking down the aisle with your love one. To me, the feeling of getting married is like �I�m finally yours�. Thinking about spending the rest of our lives together alone will make me so damn happy can. Think I goner be so touched at my own wedding next time.
I simply love weddings.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Got cheated by Xx today. Supposed to meet her for prata, accompany her to collect her cert and off to town to meet her friends. But she didn�t mention her school is at Sterling Road! End up taking cab to both school and town and spent a whole day running around. Quite fun though. =P
I was late today. No excuse, but I was anticipating Xx to be late as usual so I took my time. Had my deserved punishment, forced to buy tarot cards for that crazy lady. Met up with my good pal Kenny @ Kinokuniya too. He looked kinda different from before, more pale and restless, must be the long working hours? Or perhaps he just lack love, hope he will find a nice guy soon. Yea, he is a gay. So?
Saw Final Destination 3. I was thinking of how each of them will die before it really happened. Scared the shit out of myself. That show made me realised something too. If its time to die, its time to die. So in the mean time, enjoy life! Haha. Just hope I won�t die with something up where you will know if you watch that show. =P
Met 2 of Xx�s guy friends today. Seriously felt like a bright lightbulb. Didn�t realise Xx is actually being pursued by so many guys, not until I saw them myself. They are really nice chaps from what I see, but sadly nice guys are usually left to rot. 3 good examples today. Feelings are still the most important to me when it comes to love, but being nice usually doesn�t give girls much feeling. Maybe we�re just too nice ya. Lol..
Xx still sound as troubled as before. Had a good talk while strolling her back home. Love is so shitty sometimes you know? Cupid is slacking over the years. The value of love is plunging. People divorce as easily as they get married. Couple fights like WWF. And heartbreaks are as frequent as breakfast. What is so wrong with this world?
Gyming tomorrow morning. Missed today�s because Samuel was busy. Its pretty late already, time for me to sleep. No point praying, but I wish things will go smooth for everyone I care.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Had a call from her, and I went down to Causeway Point. She seemed fine, radiant as ever, and slimmer from the last time I saw her. I believe she�s doing great, happy, and as cheerful as ever. Finally took back my racket from her after such a long time.
For those who have no idea who she is, she�s my last girlfriend. We broke up on October 2004. Causeway Point is a place full of memories for us, and today was like a stroll back in memory lane. The feelings I felt is so real, it is like we were still together again. But we both knew it is impossible already.
I hate to be in love!
I hate to love someone so much yet unable to be with her. Min and I aren�t together after such a long struggle. Inin and I broke up in the end even though we love each other so much. And now Miss Tan. She showed me a very sweet photo of her gramp and granny together. I want to be with her the same sweet way. But does she? All my friends tell me that the surprise means something. Does it?
I think I need an answer..
I�m a shy guy. I�m not the kind who will go outside and ask for girls� numbers. I�m not the kind who will go clubbing and dance with strangers. I�m definitely not the kind who will appear at my love one�s doorsteps everyday until she finally accepts me. I�m not daring. I�m not romantic. I�m definitely not passive. I�m fragile with my feelings. My heart is only good for loving, not breaking.
I don�t wish to get hurt anymore..
I�m in a very bad mood now. I�m very pissed off with the word love. I wish my heart will just drop dead right now and stop loving anyone anymore.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Was having my usual mahjong session just now when my hp rang. Stopping the game, I immediately rushed down and ransacked my letterbox. And there it is, a big parcel, staring at me.
Carefully opening the big envelope, I was totally smitten by what I saw inside. A Forever Friend love shaped keychain. An Underworld Evolution postal card. A �Specially For You� letter with lotsa love. Last but not least, a big pack of heart shaped candies that I simply adore.
They are now my precious treasures.
I�m really surprised. I�m overjoyed. I�m lost for words to describe my feelings right now. To receive so much love and sweetness from someone you heart, this is priceless. Nothing can get into my mind now. I only can think of the time and effort she spent putting together this wonderful gift for me.
I�m now the happiest man in the world.
Too much stuff on my mind. I just laid there for hours and hours, endless thoughts going through uncontrollably. It was miserable. 4am I went to bed. 7am I watched the sun rose. I went for a stroll. 9am mom woke up. I bought breakfast. 11am I am blogging. I didn�t catch a wink at all.
I wasn�t online the whole day on Thursday. After the prata session that night, I received a sms. In my heart I was smiling. The cab uncle saw me jumped in joy. A simple take care sleep well and hugs, that was enough to drive me mad. I bet she was thinking of me, at least for that very minute. However, it might not mean anything too.
I really missed her you know? It was my turn yesterday not seeing her online. And I felt like shit. I took a nap after my usual morning gym with Samuel and apparently slept the whole day through. No plans made, my Friday was boring. Whenever I came near my comp I will click on msn, but she�s not around still. She must be busy outside, that was my thought. And yea, this was how I spent my yesterday.
I am not hesitant to admit my real feelings for her. I am not worried about the process of going after her. I am not afraid of the aftermath if I ever get rejected. But I am scared if she ever goner be with me, I might make her suffer. I am so scared that if she is goner be with someone else, she might get hurt again. I can�t bear to see her in pain again. It will hurt me like hell.
Perhaps I think too much.
Later goner be the usual Saturday mahjong session with mom, bro and sis in law. Lets hope I can concentrate on the game. Its not fun losing so much in a small small game.
She is correct. I can sms her whenever I think of her. It is silly of me to restraint myself from smsing. But maybe I just don�t wish to flood her with my messages. I miss her every minute every day.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Woke up early in the morning and saw lotsa lotsa smoke outside the window. I seriously thought my block was on fire, but it turned out to be some idiots setting fire in the open field. The view was quite spectacular though, seeing how the fire spreads, and the burnt grass drawing a huge black circle in the field.
A closer view. Saw the burnt patch?
Supposed to meet Xx for dinner today, ended up meeting 2 of her best sisters too. Amber and Ferline, both really nice girls, and I can see they really care for Xx. Good friendships are so hard to come by, I�m so envious can.
We had lotsa food today, and I�m supposed to be on diet. Dinner was New York Pizza @ Khatib. The girls chatted their hearts out, and were cursing bastards and jerks most of the time. Were supposed to have mahjong @ Ferline�s place, but it was kinda late and we ended up watching tv and playing with her rabbits. They are damn adorable can? Anyway we went to have prata for supper soon after and chit chatted till about 2am. Damn tired..
Its been months already. I really hope Xx will get out of her misery soon. You know, after the storm clears and the dark clouds disperse, you will see your rainbow. Moving on is always a miserable progress that everyone tries to shun. But without going through that, you will always be stuck at the same point. That explains so much of your meaningless life now. Talk is cheap. We all know. But believe me. We�ll always be there for you..
So quit talking about silly things unless you buy yourself an insurance and put my name =P
I�m kinda frustrated now. There�s this bug that keeps trying to get into my room. Grrr..
Shag. I�m out.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Xx faked mc and skipped work. Well, we did a little sin having KFC @ Bishan. She kept drooling over Jay Chow even though she always claim she�s goner be a les. She did drool over Jennifer Aniston in Rumor Has It though, simply can�t stop commenting how sexy that babe was throughout the whole show. And poor me, shivering cold in the cinema, without any warmth hand to hold on..
After accompanying her to douby gaut (how do you spell?) for lan gaming, I took the train ride home alone. Watching that earlier show made me think about a lot of stuff. How people view love nowadays? How easily one person can fall for another? I realised many people grow to like someone out of spur. They hang out with each other once or twice, they enjoyed the time together, and then they claimed it is love. That�s just not right isn�t it? Love is not about trying out? Or maybe it is, in most guys� perspective..
So what is real love? It is definitely not a fling, not the kind of feeling where you think you goner have fun. When you really love someone, you won�t mind all his bad habits. You won�t complain about this and getting angry about that. You love him for who he is. You worry about him. You always have him in your heart and mind. You love him and you are willing to be with him for the rest of your life.
Maybe this kind of love is too perfect. Maybe this kind of love is too absurd. And maybe this is why many think true love doesn�t exist..
Women are such delicate yet loving creatures. 99% of them yearn for happiness and true love, nothing else. And because their desires are so strong, they are willing to do anything in exchange. No matter how hideous and ugly their guys� hearts may be, they will still hang on to their beliefs and fight. Maybe that�s why when we see our dear girls getting trampled on so badly by those jerks, they simply refused to face reality. Deep inside they are still hoping for a miracle, even though it simply doesn�t exist. Of course, there is always the exceptional 1% who enjoys toying with guys� feelings. I know a few, and I don�t blame them at all..
Forgive me for talking about love all the time. Maybe I just have more female hormones than others, thats all.